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Letzte Modifikation am 20.8.2001

Label instructions on consumer goods

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box): Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
(I love it: food to piss you off.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
(Or underground?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(And what else?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Duh!)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Copyright Thomas Rupp