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horror movie character survival tips

1. If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

2. Never take a bath or shower with an MSDC (maniac/spirit/demon/creature) in the house.

3. When it appears that you have killed the MSDC, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it's really dead.

4. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, or people in the past have performed necrophilia in your house, move away immediately.

5. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin spewing body fluids, it's time to move out.

6. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

7. Don't look under the bed.

8. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

9. If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

10. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, stay as far away from them as posible.

11. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent and leave the area.

12. If you've hidden from the MSDC and you are not found, do not peek from or leave your hiding place, for you are only further endangering yourself.

13. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

14. It is VERY, VERY dangerous to back into or through rooms.

15. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
NOTE: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.

16. When you have the benefit of numbers, *NEVER* pair off or go it alone!!!

17. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

18. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon and as quickly as possible.

19. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

20. If you've just finished running over the MSDC in your car, keep going. Most certainly DO NOT get out of the car to see if he/she/it's really dead.

21. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

22. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

23. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.

24. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that would appear to break easily.

25. Do not lay, sleep, or have sex on bloody mattresses.

26. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY ELSE YOU WILL QUICKLY DIE.

27. If your child starts having sex with crosses, does head spins, or tends to projectile vomit filth, leave immediately.

28. If appliances start operating by themselves, leave the area immediately.

29. Do not take anything from the dead.

30. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

31. If the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurences, leave.

32. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

33. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

34. If the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.

35. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area.

36. Never pick up a hitchiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus.

37. Don't food with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

38. Make sure that your weapon is loaded before you try to use it.

39. Never have sex in haunted houses, especially with extradimensional beings.

40. Never put your back to or lean on a door.

41. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

42. Never speak to clowns in sewers.

43. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are supernatural beings.

44. If you're running from the MSDC, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice; more if you are of the female persuasion.

45. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirsting for blood, howling, having glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, showing a marked resemblence to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.

46. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

47. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

48. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.

49. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.

50. Finally, beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, soldering irons, stun guns, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, catapults, tactical warheads, high-powered rifles, gophers, food processors, gophers in food processors, lambchops, axes, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, tanks, any weapon resembling Margaret Thatcher, Alludium q-36 explosive space modulators, or any weapon made from deceased companions. (Whew!)

Copyright Thomas Rupp